For the Wicked

I may have mentioned I'm away for Christmas.

Light Sharted

Isn’t it nice to see the colourful Christmas lights many people use to adorn their abodes?

Fight for Your Right

Christmas draws ever-closer and I thought it would be a good time to discuss another thing I hate.

Work Christmas parties.

Man Flu over the Cuckoo's Nest

I woke up this morning and I had the beginnings of a chesty cough. They aren’t lyrics from the worst blues song ever written, sadly.

Bangers and Cash

Sausages. Inexplicably popular among talking dogs and domestic abuse-promoting puppet shows.

They’re great for breakfast, lunch or dinner.

True Till Death

Christmas has managed to fuck me right off yet again.

Cue Jumper

This is in danger of becoming like an Advent calendar of rants – a Rantvent calendar, if you will.

Holidays are Coming

I have ranted about Christmas before and I probably will again, but I feel compelled to do so now after having had to go into a shop today.

Terrorism

Terrorism is bad. I’m sure we can all agree on that.

Christmas

You might well have guessed this was coming. Despite the fact that it's far too early for Yuletide-based antics, I want to talk about the John Lewis Christmas advert.

Weather

It’s raining.

Worst News Ever

Today’s news is some of the worst that’s been delivered in a long time.

Work for Never

Have you ever worked for free? I don’t mean one of those “work trials” that I’ve previously ranted about. I mean have you ever offered your services for free to something you thought was fun? A volunteer, essentially.

What a Way to Make a Living

The weekend is here. It’s a chance to forget about the drudgery of 9-5, or whichever hours you work, assuming that only Dolly Parton still adheres to that particular employment regime.

More Balls

I’m going to continue on the theme of sport. This time I want to tell you about cricket.

How is it even a sport?

Balls

I asked for inspiration for new rants and sport was mentioned a few times, specifically how shit England are at all of them.

Talent Void

Many of you will like to watch it. Many of you will claim you’re forced to watch it by a significant other. Many of you - the sensible ones - will hate it.

Sobriety

Yesterday was 50 days since I last consumed alcohol.

Midweek Rant

I’ve discovered a new thing that pisses me off. The word epic.

Gigs

This is a request rant. Kind of.

Got You by the Plumbs

Tradesmen, eh? Not all tradesmen, just the ones with no concept of how to do a decent job.

Business

Businesses are great. Sometimes.

Llandudno

I've recently spent several days in North Wales and it's actually been quite enjoyable.

Wasps

“I wanna be somebody, be somebody too,” sang Blackie Lawless, frontman of 80s sex-themed rockers, WASP.

Boot Sale Tales

Today we went to do a car boot sale in Bridlington.

Blackpool

I’m in Blackpool, which is like ground zero for research into things I could potentially rant about.

The Extremely Satisfied Customer (Opposite of)

Anyone who follows me on Twitter may have noticed my disgust with a well-known supermarket on Saturday.

Lincolnshire

I had the pleasure of visiting Lincolnshire today, although the actual pleasure was that I was able to leave there afterwards without being mugged or having my organs harvested.

Game of Thrones

Oh, you’re watching Game of Thrones, are you? Good for you.

Weddings

I’m invited to three weddings this summer. That’s right, three. To make it even better, these three weddings are all planned to occur in a period of eight days.

Hangover

Remember when you first started to drink? It was all so much better then.

Dining

We’ve all been there before: in a shop, pub or café and those who work there start having a loud, private conversation. Annoying, isn’t it?

Insurance

As you may be aware, I was forced to buy a new phone just a couple of weeks ago.

While I was buying the phone, the assistant asked if I wanted insurance for “only £6.50”.

Packaging

I was having a nice day where nothing was annoying me. The sun was shining and the birds were singing. Then I decided to cook tea.

Phone

I awoke yesterday morning and discovered that my phone no longer worked.

Cooking

As someone who no longer watches TV, I’m aware that it still exists. I’m also aware that cookery still exists and therefore TV chefs are obviously still around.

Another Charity Rant

I received a text from EE earlier and that is never good news.

Monday

Monday.

Neighbours

“Neighbours, everybody needs good neighbours,” sang some Antipodean warbler over the opening credits of the soap opera of the same name.

Like

Since some of you will be reading this having seen the link I posted on Facebook, you might not like this. Or you may agree wholeheartedly.

PPI

I received a phone call this morning.

Customer Service

Problem with your electricity bill? Luckily there’s a handy number to call to resolve the problem quickly.

The Doctor's Receptionist

Have you tried to see your doctor recently? Was the receptionist a colossal bastard?

Easter

For many people the Easter holidays have now started, but some of us still have to work before we can celebrate how Jesus once had a bare-knuckle brawl with a bunny. Or something.

Boybands

So, it seems that pornographic, Harry Potter-themed boyband, Wand Erection, are one “singer” short today.

Cycling

I cycle because I have a bike and it costs nothing to get from A to B. I don’t massively enjoy it or anything.

Bejeezus

Were you thinking of going out tonight?

Top Gear

Remember the film Falling Down with Michael Douglas?

Celebrity Shitlist

I’ve already ranted about the pointlessness of celebrity, but now the masses have spoken.

A Trip to the Shop

I went to the supermarket earlier and am convinced that I became momentarily possessed by an evil spirit while I was at the checkout.

Days

Today is International Women’s Day.

Age

I’m sitting at the kitchen table typing this. I have no alcohol on a Friday night. They’re practising bell-ringing at the church and still haven’t progressed beyond a Figaro/Three Blind Mice mash-up.

Smoking

I remember making the outlandish claim “I’ll give up when they go over two quid a packet.”

Hipsters

These people are slowly spoiling everything.

Another Trip to Leeds

Life has dealt me an ace once again and I find myself in Leeds.

Employment

As many of you may be aware, I attempt to do other things than post on this blog to make ends meet. Until someone offers me a colossal sum of money to spout bollocks about things that’s just the way it will have to be.

Now That's What I Call Terrible Music

A few days ago I heard Blue by Eiffel 65 while I was in a charity shop. I imagine Eiffel 65’s career is on sale in a similar shop, covered in dust on a forgotten shelf.

There’s no disputing that it is a crap song, but I wondered what the worst songs on the planet were. I asked Facebook and Facebook responded.

Stags and Hens

I just stepped off a train. The journey should have been a pleasant experience at 11:00 on a Friday morning.

Transfer Deadline Day

The day has come yet again.

Shit Towns

This week I asked the good people of Facebook to tell me which town in England they considered to be the shittest.

Eating Out

This afternoon I saw a post on Facebook advertising two meals for a tenner in a nearby pub.

Weather

The British love to talk about the weather. The problem is we don’t have that much weather to talk about.

Bakeries

I enjoy visiting a bakery as much as the next man, especially if the next man is luxury limo enthusiast, Eric Pickles.

Famous

What is the point of celebrities?