Stags and Hens

I just stepped off a train. The journey should have been a pleasant experience at 11:00 on a Friday morning.

It wasn’t though.

There were two groups of people on there that I despise.

Firstly, two tables away from me, was a hen party. There were four of them in the group. You’d think that wouldn’t be too bad, don’t you?

They were drinking wine out of used Costa Coffee cups and talking so loudly that I couldn’t hear myself think. It wasn’t only loud, but shrill. Imagine four people talking whose voices all sound like nails being dragged down a blackboard.

One of them passed to go to the toilet twice in a period of fifteen minutes. She made a point of carefully hitting everybody with her handbag on the way past each time.

They weren’t the worst though.

There was a six-man stag party in the next carriage. They had cases of Stella and Strongbow with them when they boarded, so they clearly meant business. The occasional roar of laughter could be heard as they downed cans and crushed the empties on their Neanderthal foreheads.

The stag was wearing a leotard which contained ludicrously huge fake breasts. Lucky he was wearing flesh-coloured shorts underneath it to avoid any “junk spillage”.

The competition was hotting up for the Most Annoying Fuckers on This Train award.

The guard seemed perplexed by the whole situation. Clearly he was expecting a pleasant journey too.

Shouting from two directions couldn’t be dulled by my iPod. It couldn’t have been dulled if The Who had played an impromptu concert on board while a nuclear bomb was set off right next to me.

As we approached Leeds, one of the girls announced that she was going to be sick. Helpfully this was done at a volume loud enough for all to hear – the announcement rather than the vomiting.

Meanwhile the stag was marching up and down the aisle like Freddy Mercury. He seemed uncomfortable, but judging by the laughter from his watching mates, it was a mandatory dare.

I can only speculate as to the exotic destination to which both parties were travelling, but as they were all from Hull, I imagine most places would be an improvement.