Sky Sports
have defrosted wooden-legged, Glaswegian, enthusiasm merchant Jim White and
will spend the day delivering non-news to fans of football.
Is there
anyone who doesn’t find him a little over the top?
“Team that’s
shit will still be shit after signing two shit players you’ve never heard of,”
he’ll gush.
“Mid-table
team fires warning to other mid-table teams by securing the services of a
former big name player you assumed to be retired/dead/in prison,” he’ll shriek.
“Team with
lots of money spends lots of money on overpriced player,” he’ll scream whilst
ejaculating into his trousers.
As if that’s
not enough, there’ll be regular live updates from around the country.
“There’s
literally nothing happening here, Jim,” a reporter stationed outside any one of
the ninety two league grounds will announce.
That’s
right, they have film crews and presenters at every ground in case something
happens.
This is the
way of news now.
Remember
Nicholas Witchell standing outside the hospital when the last royal baby was
born? Hours and hours of filler.
“I’m only
speculating, but behind me in this hospital there will probably be very
hospitally things happening. There may be doctors and nurses helping the
princess in a very hospitular manner. Important-looking hospital people with
clipboards might even be nodding and stroking their chins whilst making hospital
decisions about hospital business. This, however, is pure speculation.”
What a load
of rubbish.
Any outside
broadcast attempt will also be ruined by gurning idiots in the background who will
wave badly-spelled signs at the camera and then moon or attempt to assault the
presenter with a dildo-slap to the face.
Today won’t
end until Sky have successfully filmed Harry Redknapp driving very fast out of
a car park, looking like a basset hound chewing a wasp.
Tomorrow we’ll
all wake up and literally nothing that matters will be any different, except
Jim will be back in his freezer for another six months.
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