Once again I
turned to Facebook and foolishly asked for people’s opinions as to which
celebrity has climbed the furthest up the mountain of inanity.
The votes
ranged from the ridiculous: “all celebrities”, to the ridiculous: “Prince
Edward”. What’s he ever done? Apart from being born into a life of privilege?
It seems a
lot of you hate a lot of famous types for the oddest of reasons:
Phil
Collins: “I don’t need to explain why.” Actually I fully understand this, and I
don’t need to explain why either.
Claudia
Winkleman: “She reminds me of polystyrene packaging you get when you buy a
laser printer. Not really sure what she does.” She gets her Samsonesque
celebrity strength from her fringe. If we remove it, she will vanish forever.
John
Barrowman: “Makes me wish I didn’t exist.” Harsh, but fair. His sudden,
inexplicable adoption of a Glasgow accent on a TV programme certainly ascends
him to the upper echelons of twattishness.
Bruce
Forsyth: “I wouldn’t be surprised if he was questioned under Operation Yewtree.”
What? He’s a national treasure! If national treasures were made of unfunny. I’m
convinced he’s over 200 years old and the BBC keeps him cryogenically frozen in
between his bouts of telling unfunny jokes and reeling off ancient
catchphrases.
Harry Hill: “I’ve
had more amusing periods.” FIGHT!!!!!! He has managed to make a career out of
being bald and having a ridiculously oversized and pointy collar.
There were a
few names that kept cropping up though, and for the purposes of this survey I
am declaring them all winners.
Katie
Hopkins: She is simply one of the most vile people on this planet. If we ever
needed to fire somebody into the Sun for “research purposes” it should really
be her.
Kim Kardashian:
She has no discernible talent and was accurately described as a “massive-arsed
cunt” by one voter. Having a massive arse doesn’t make someone a pointless
celebrity, but when you’re constantly in magazines promoting said arse it does.
Her husband is a massive arse which
surely means the world should explode due to an overload of irony.
Joey Essex:
The epitome of stupid. Joey, as many of you might know, is also a derogatory
term for somebody with a mental handicap. The shoe seems to fit quite well in
this case. He seems to be unable to string a sentence together, yet he’s given
constant TV exposure and has become wealthy without any known skill.
Congratulations
to all three. I await their acceptance speeches like a racehorse with a bad leg
waits to be shot.
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