Business

Businesses are great. Sometimes.

After a recent journey on a motorway, I have decided to share with you some of the frankly awful taglines that some businesses are using in a misguided attempt to gain an edge over their rivals that I saw emblazoned on vehicles.

Firstly, we have a sugar company. “Giving our customers what they need,” they claimed. It’s a bit Ronseal and I suppose every business strives to give its customers what they need. The successful ones at least. “Look away now if you have diabetes” would have been better.

Next up is a company that specialised in “land delivery”. This is presumably delivering by land rather delivering huge containers full of land to people. The nature of their business isn’t the problem, it’s the line “air freight deliveries every day” that makes little sense. It only works if they use planes to deliver their items that never actually take off. A logistical nightmare.

Speaking of logistics, a company claiming to be an “international logistics expert” is next. That just sounds like a really shit superhero.

Deliveries of varying sorts are seemingly in high demand, but would you use anyone who boasted such exciting feats as “delivering to UK, Ireland and Europe”? They should have gone with “we’ve never looked at a fucking map”.

What about “we work 24/7”? A lot of companies work around the clock. Unless you’re willing to work 25/8 you’re not trying hard enough.

The absolute best one I saw though, was “offering innovative textile delivery solutions”. What does that even mean? Well, it appears they were delivering towels. There must have been a conversation at their headquarters that went something like this:

“We need to move towels from point A to point B. How can we do that?”

“Put them in a truck?”

“Excellent transport solution. I don’t think anyone has ever done that before.”

“Perhaps we could put a photo of a smiling woman holding towels on the side of every truck?”

“Innovative! Have a raise!”

As a result of this genius, it’s possible I may change the name of this blog to Grievance Solutions.