Customer Service

Problem with your electricity bill? Luckily there’s a handy number to call to resolve the problem quickly.

In theory.

What really happens is far from easy.

This happened to me a few years ago when I was sent an estimated bill. Said estimated bill was ludicrous. If I had had the heating on full 24/7 and had been growing marijuana in the attic, it would still have been ludicrous.

After looking on the electricity company’s website and trawling through FAQs I was finally allowed the phone number to their customer service department. I dialled the number, remembering not to phone from my mobile which would have incurred charges of at least £17 a minute.

“Press 1 if you have an existing problem. Press 2 if you have a new problem. Press 3 if your problem is quite problematic,” a voice that sounded like a female Stephen Hawking announced.

I pressed 1 by mistake.

“Please type in your sixty-five digit reference number.”

Shit.

“I can’t recognise that number.”

That’s because I hadn’t typed one.

“Press 1 to enter your reference number. Press 2 to return to the main menu.”

I pressed 2.

“All our operators are currently busy.”

Oh joy. I was treated to a panpipe version of a medley of Duran Duran hits for seventeen minutes.

“All our operators are still busy. If you still have a problem, press 1.”

I pressed 1.

“Please read out your account number.”

I put on my best reading voice. “One, zero, zero, seven, five…”

“You said “eight, three, six, hashtag, pound sign”. Is that correct?”

“No, it’s not fucking correct!” I screamed.

“If it is correct, press 1. If it is not correct, press 2. If you are unsure, press 3.”

I pressed 2.

“All our operators are currently busy.”

Aaaarrrggghhh!

Eight minutes of something that sounds like an 80s TV theme, probably written by Ronnie Hazelhurst.

“Press 1 if you wish to hold. Press 2 if you’re losing the will to live. Press 3 to speak to a member of our call centre staff.”

I pressed 3. After half an hour they were going to let me talk to an actual person!

There was total silence. “Hello?” I asked, tentatively.

There was no answer. The bastards had cut me off!

I could have called them back, but I would probably still be on hold.

The problem was eventually solved by sending around twenty emails. Ace customer service.