Easter

For many people the Easter holidays have now started, but some of us still have to work before we can celebrate how Jesus once had a bare-knuckle brawl with a bunny. Or something.

It’s another time of year which is full of disappointment.

I remember when I was a boy (cue Hovis music) how excited I was to receive a Cadbury’s Creme Egg egg. I expected it to be like a massive version of the normal-sized ones that once came in cartons of six. This was back in the days when they still actually made them from real chocolate instead of just using Plasticine dipped in gravy like they do today.

I saved it for last, full of wonder about what the giant fondant-filled chocolate shell would do to my poo the next day.

There was no massive Creme Egg though. It was a bog standard chocolate egg which was as hollow as the meaning of Easter itself.

That was when I realised that Easter was just a pointless, capitalist bollocks-fest. It was also when I questioned the existence of the Easter Bunny. Surely a rabbit would prefer eggs made entirely from salad?

What really gets my goat though, is anyone who makes egg-based puns.

“Come and validate your eggs-istence at our egg-cellent, egg-straordinary, egg-ceptional egg-stravaganza!” you will see written on signs in supermarkets.

No thanks, but I might go to your head office and pummel the person who came up with your “hilarious” marketing with a piece of lead pipe. They will be rushed to hospital where they will have an eggs-ray.

I’m pretty sure that Jesus himself was the first to make an egg joke. He did it right after he emerged from a huge nap on Easter Sunday, having earlier faked his own death in a David Blaine-style stunt.

You don’t hear jokes about hot cross buns anymore. Probably because they’re one a penny, two a penny.