Weather

The British love to talk about the weather. The problem is we don’t have that much weather to talk about.

This doesn’t stop us involving ourselves in needless small talk on the subject.

“Looks a bit cloudy,” we might point out to a stranger at a bus stop, just in case they don’t have eyes.

“It’s cold out there today,” we’ll tell work colleagues, on the off chance that they teleported in and missed it.

“Phew, what a scorcher,” we’ll proclaim during the three days of actual summer, making people think we’re annoying twats.

This nation’s obsession with the weather doesn’t stop there though. As we don’t have any extreme weather, we like to pretend that we do. This has led to light breezes being renamed “megastorms”, slight drizzle being called “the neverending waterfall of despair” and the sun being rebranded as “the eternal fireball of doom and damnation”.

This presumably makes us a laughing stock in nations where they actually have weather.

Almost every winter we get snow. There might even be enough of it to come above your ankles. How do we react to this?

Employees: “I can’t come to work today because I’m snowed in. Yes, I know I live next door, but it’s far too traumatic to go outside.”

Travel companies: “Light snowfall in northern Scotland? We’d better suspend all rail and bus services across the entire country.”

Local government: “The roads are treacherous because we sold all the salt and grit to buy scratch cards.”

TV’s much-acclaimed The Weather can never get it right either. Michael Fish famously denied that a hurricane would hit southern England and a weatherman in the Quaternary period failed to predict an impending ice age. That guy who forecasts the weather by nailing up some seaweed in his shed does a better job.

There’s apparently a 60% chance of it being the same tomorrow is it was today, but remember these helpful weather hints:

If it’s sunny, say “it won’t last” and buy enough sun cream for a family of 12, but don’t use it. Lobster red is in this year.

If it rains, make some kind of “hilarious” ark reference and use a beer garden parasol to protect yourself and ensure that oncoming pedestrians have to walk in the road.

If it’s cold, say “it’s too cold to snow”. Remember that it’s unacceptable to wear a jacket at all temperatures above absolute zero if you’re in Newcastle.

If it snows, don’t walk anywhere. It’s much easier to drive. Don’t bother driving any less recklessly than usual though and only clear a letterbox-sized patch of your windscreen. Any snow you actually bother to remove from your vehicle can be left in the middle of the road to enable other motorists to hate you more.

If it’s windy, work yourself up into a panic that your house will either be blown away, Wizard of Oz-style, or decimated so it looks like one of the Three Little Pigs’ residences. If you live near a sea life centre, anticipate a Sharknado episode.

And, crucially, remember that pretty much all weather can easily be described by just one word – shit.