“Bacon
causes cancer!” announced almost every media outlet in the world, almost
breaking the internet in the process.
We all know
that bacon makes absolutely everything better - except bacon chocolate that I
once tried, which was horrific - and the news has been generally treated as a
bit of a joke.
There is an
element of “this is what can kill you this week” about it, adding to an
ever-growing list that harbingers of doom wish to deliver. “Experts” and “boffins”
are regularly telling us of various health risks. If it’s not overcooked fish
causing brain tumours, it’s orange Smarties being responsible for Crohn’s
disease.
Most of it
can probably be taken with a pinch of salt. If salt didn’t accelerate the risk of
heart disease.
But what if
it’s actually true this time?
It’s not
only bacon, but all processed meats that could kill us, they say.
Sausages and
black pudding will also be off the menu, making a full English just egg, mushrooms
and beans on toast.
After a
night on the town drinking heavily and smoking like a laboratory beagle, it’s not
exactly comforting to know that the one thing that might make you feel better
could actually kill you faster.
All red
meats are high risk, apparently. Your next mixed grill could simply be egg or
pineapple (never both) and chips.
Ham, salami,
meatballs, et al are to be avoided, turning a Meat Feast into a simple Margherita
as the only safe form of pizza. Add onions if you want to go totally crazy.
I can’t see the
new LT sandwich catching on either.
And what’s
that? Inhaling asbestos is also bad for you? That’s just great. They’re
spoiling all of my main hobbies now.
I’m off to
drink a glass of filtered water and eat a bowl of air, assuming neither of
those will kill me.
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