The Extremely Satisfied Customer (Opposite of)

Anyone who follows me on Twitter may have noticed my disgust with a well-known supermarket on Saturday.

I’d bought a piece of gala pork pie. Yes, gala, because nothing says ‘special occasion’ quite like adding an egg to it.

The pie was bought from the “slightly discounted because it’s going out of date and we would rather throw it away than offer any further money off” section. I should have known better. The pastry was dry, the egg was like rubber and the meat didn’t even taste of anything.

The supermarket - who I’ll call Fresco to save their embarrassment - responded to a tweet in which I implied that the pie may produce an anal waterfall effect.

“Send us a picture of the barcode,” they said, clearly unaware of the fact that the barcode and 90% of the pie was now in a bin on a train.

I moved on from the unfortunate event.

Later, clearly having forgotten about the earlier abysmal dining experience, I bought a sandwich from the same supermarket chain.

A Deli Meat Feast Sub, they called it.

There’s no denying the bread was a sub and there’s no denying that it contained meat.

But deli? No way. Two slices of cheap salami, two of wafer-thin ham and two of what I assume were wafer-thin chicken do not constitute this. Even if there was a thin film of mayonnaise and some other unidentified dressing barely covering it. And some peculiar, green faux-salad.

And to describe it as a feast would be like describing Weekend At Bernie’s as a cinematic masterpiece.

Strangely, I could probably have assembled a cheaper and better sandwich with ingredients purchased in their shop.

I was offered a refund by the supermarket’s online drones, but again I would need a picture of the barcode to verify my purchase. Obviously because I’m a habitual liar who tries to con supermarkets out of £2.30 on a regular basis. I was also offered a stock “we’re really sorry” response which seemed about as genuine as a boiled egg with Fabergé written on it.

Of course, the wrapper was in a bin miles away from me by the time they responded to my complaint.

The whole experience has taught me two things.

Firstly, that I need to take photos of the barcodes of everything I ever buy just in case I need to complain. And secondly, that I’m an idiot for repeatedly buying snack foods in Fresco.