Now That's What I Call Terrible Music

A few days ago I heard Blue by Eiffel 65 while I was in a charity shop. I imagine Eiffel 65’s career is on sale in a similar shop, covered in dust on a forgotten shelf.

There’s no disputing that it is a crap song, but I wondered what the worst songs on the planet were. I asked Facebook and Facebook responded.

Let’s look at the also-rans first.

Timber by Pitbull featuring Ke$ha. Mr Pitbull isn’t a dog, but being mauled to death by one would be preferable to listening to this. Also, using currency symbols in your name makes you a £unt.

Crazy in Love by Beyonce. Beyonce used to record songs before she took to sitting next to Jay-Z at basketball matches, where she stares at her phone and wishes she hadn’t told the other two from Destiny’s Child to do one so she could sit on a huge mountain of cash and laugh at them. I seem to remember Hue and Cry doing a version of this on some 80s revival thing once.

(I’ve had) the (Time) of My (Life) by Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes. Nobody even knows where the brackets actually go in the title.The whole thing should be wrapped in larger brackets and thrown into the sea. Abysmal.

Love Shack by the B52s. The camp, nasal, whining man claims to have a car “as big as a whale”. I suspect he’s fibbing.

Don’t You Forget About Me by Simple Minds. A classic from the misleadingly-titled, Breakfast Club, a film where nobody eats breakfast whilst being clubbed to death.

Walking on Sunshine by Katrina and the Waves. A supposed “feelgood song”. You’d listen to this to feel good in the same way as you’d eat a Smartie to cure yourself of cancer.

Gangnam Style and that Timmy Mallet Bikini song were once both novelty hits, but neither has stood the test of time, although they could both be used as a musical version of waterboarding.

Dear Darling by Olly Murs. Everything the tight-trousered, Mockney wideboy produces is just another diet ska, I-wish-I-was-in-Blur mash-up.

Imagine by John Lennon. It was described as “awful” by one voter, but that’s probably not strong enough. This song was the inspiration for Mark David Chapman to go and buy a gun.

YMCA by Village People. Disco explosion in a fancy dress shop.

Crocodile Rock by Elton John. You can’t make a decent song about crocodiles. Just ask Jimmy Nail.

Blockbuster by The Sweet. Despite looking into a crystal ball and predicting a colossal chain of video rental and Haagen Dazs price-inflating stores, this is as pleasant as shaving with an angle grinder.

Bat out of Hell by Meatloaf. A rock opera. Yes, that’s right, the tits-on-a-fish of musical genres.

Come on Eileen by Dexy’s Midnight Runners. Not a sexual invitation, but some travellers singing outside a newsagent’s.

Seven Tears by Goombay Dance Band. Some Germans still apologise for the Holocaust, but show no remorse for this atrocity.

I Will Survive by Gloria Gaynor. A staple of karaoke evenings for large groups of girls who have consumed a lake of Bacardi Breezer.

In some cases individual songs weren’t enough and artists’ entire back catalogues were suggested.

Morrissey. A man who thinks that eating a Fillet Tower Burger is a worse crime than murdering an island full of children. He probably even depresses himself.

Michael Bolton. Has he got a high hairline or is he combing over from his back?

Sting. “So-called because he has a face like a wasp’s arse”.

Celine Dion. Those who perished on the Titanic would turn in their watery graves if they heard her song from the film.

Phil Collins. The fax machine enthusiast can do no right. “Ooh, look at me playing at both Live Aid concerts.” Well done, Phil, you got on a plane.

Vanilla Ice. Didn’t he only have one song? His fishing supplies business was popular for a while, but only because people wanted to check out the hooks while the DJ revolved it.

And so to the “winners”. There was a three-way tie for the coveted top spot.

Red Red Wine by UB40. Everything that’s wrong with reggae handily-packaged into one song that sounds like all their other songs.

Everything I Do, I Do It for You by Bryan Adams. This song was at number one for six years in 1991. As enjoyable as other Canadian favourites, such as Labatt’s lager and the export of asbestos.

Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen. An over-the-top song that was further ruined by Wayne’s World, which inspired legions of pissed idiots to put it on pub jukeboxes and headbang to it. 

Party on, etc.