Light Sharted

Isn’t it nice to see the colourful Christmas lights many people use to adorn their abodes?

NO IT BLOODY ISN’T!

On the drive home tonight, I saw many horrific illuminations. Here are my highlights:

1) Some lights which appeared to have been randomly thrown into a hedge. Why bother? If you can’t be arsed then don’t put them up. Chucking lightbulbs into vegetation doesn’t create a Christmas vibe, it shows you can’t be arsed. You know what’s a more effective way to show you can’t be arsed? Not buying lights in the first place – the right way to do Christmas.

2) The Eiffel Tower. It was probably supposed to be a Christmas tree, but it looked more tower-like and was French flag-coloured. It would only have looked more French if a beret and a string of onions had been placed on it.

3) Giant evil snowman. Perhaps the house was owned by a Ghostbusters enthusiast? The fake Staypuft Marshmallow Man should then have been attacking a brightly-lit Lady Liberty and not just looking disapprovingly at the Eiffel Tower.

4) Yellow dripping icicles. This will have seemed like a good idea when the owners placed them all along their guttering, but they were forgetting one crucial thing. It looks like they have an unending stream of piss cascading from their roof.

5) Coloured bulbs. A string of coloured bulbs outside a garage, to be precise.  “Minimalist” or “can’t be arsed”? I’d go with the latter. Why would people who make a living from frowning and telling you the work on your car will cost £100 more than originally quoted try to spread festive cheer? “Merry Christmas, your timing belt’s fucked.”

In fairness, it does seem that fewer people are actually bothering with garish lighting displays outside their homes this year. I believe that this is because someone may have suggested that Christmas lights mark people as Christians and as a result could trigger ISIS attacks.

Or people have just realised that it’s all bollocks.