Boybands

So, it seems that pornographic, Harry Potter-themed boyband, Wand Erection, are one “singer” short today.

Ironically he wanted to go in a different direction.

Which one has left? Cyril? Derek? Tarquin? Or was it one of the other four?

It doesn’t matter who it was.

He'll probably now just waltz into a new career as a fashion designer/actor/TV presenter/dickhead.

I hear that some fans are apparently going to require counselling to deal with the split. It’s seemingly a very testing event.

There are rumours fans have begun to self-harm. Surely listening to Pond Eviction is self-harm enough?

A group assembled by Mr Throat-trousers Cowell, which has earned him more money than he could spend in five lifetimes?

It should be celebrated that it’s over.

Actually it’s not over. Swan Inflection intend to continue without old whatshisname. That means they’ll all become more rich, but possibly have 20% less underwear thrown at them.

Sadly nobody over the age of twelve attends their concerts, so it would be impossible to send in a sniper. What Quorn Infraction and the current crop of talentless “performers” need is their own Mark David Chapman who can eliminate them in the street.

There has never been a good boyband.

The smug tax-avoider, Gary Barlow, probably thinks he invented boybands, as he himself has amassed quite a fortune from the pursuit of autotuned warbling, but he’d be mistaken.

The Beatles might think they invented it too, as they had a number of hits amongst all the drugs and getting shot, but they’d be wrong too.

Early cave paintings show pictures of bar stools, which tells us that they used to grunt melodically whilst sitting on them before standing for the key change. An Irish caveman probably then told them that they’d “made the song their own”.

Anybody who quipped that Jeremy Clarkson could join the group now he’s unemployed is an idiot. Clearly they aren’t aware that he already plans to join a new version of JLS.