Spooktacular

It's almost Halloween, so the shops are full of black and orange tat and “scary” things.

The scariest being how expensive pumpkins have suddenly become.

A local charity shop has gone too far. They work for some hospice or other, you know, where people are perhaps in their late twilight years and don't have long left? So removing all the books and clothes from the window and filling it with gravestones and symbols of death is a really great idea then.

When I was a kid you'd get dressed up as a ghost in a sheet with eyeholes cut out, despite it looking dangerously close to a Klansman's outfit and you'd go around with a turnip lantern asking for a “penny for Halloween”.

Now, thanks to traditions stolen from across the pond, kids just wear any fancy dress they choose to and the adults join in too. Some women will be coerced by the media, who attempt to further cheapen the whole sorry affair, into “sexy” versions of costumes which of course isn't sexist or inappropriate at all, right? There's nothing sexier than death after all. This year expect to see the "Sexy Brexit" costume which involves high heels, stockings, a belt-like skirt and a top that says "we send the EU £350million a week, let's fund our NHS instead".

The “trick or treat” phenomenon has caught on too.

Child: “Trick or treat.”

Householder: “Piss off.” *slams door*

Child: *sets fire to car, kills dog, bulldozes house*

You see, you have to have a selection of sweets for them, including some for those who are lactose intolerant or have a peanut allergy or are just fussy fuckers, or failing that cash. If you don't come up with the goods it is perfectly acceptable for the little shits to break the law, but less acceptable for you to punch them in the face. How is that fair?

At least the #FireworksCunts might take the night off.