Man who wrote annoying muzak often played in shopping centres and when you're on hold on the phone to your electricity provider wins Grammy.
Members of crowd at 100 metres final in the Olympics who were sat way at the back and could hardly be seen receive knighthoods for services to sport.
Come Dine With Me won by someone who can actually cook.
Nickelback win award for creating music "least likely to make people kill themselves".
Carlisle named 'Britain's Friendliest and Most Modern City'.
Shane MacGowan gets an Alcoholics Anonymous chip for being two years sober.
Any surly bastard who works in any McDonald's anywhere in the world is awarded Employee of the Century.
Phil Collins commended for "not being a cunt".
That bloke with his dog, Fenton, win One Man and His Dog.
Woman who turns up and unwraps a Cadbury's Mini Roll and places it on a plate wins Great British Bake Off.
All of these statements are made up and are completely ridiculous.
Now, look at this one:
Bob Dylan wins 2016 Nobel prize in literature.
That one is actually true.
Think of all the amazing books that have been written in the last year and all the fantastic authors there are throughout the world. Yes, bollocks to all of them. Let's just give the award to a man who sings out of his nose instead.
Go home, 2016, you're drunk.
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