Cinema

I sometimes like to go and see the latest cinematic releases. Every few months I get the urge to do this and am left in a state of fury.

I hate to queue, so an out-of-town building the size of an aircraft hangar with 50 plus screens eliminates the need for this. But wait, £10 to see a film? Bit excessive, no? Well, if I don’t have to stand in a long line and the sound’s going to be decent quality and it will be visually orgasmic I can put up with that. Oh and it’s only £1 extra to sit in a VIP, super-comfy seat as well.

The amusement arcade in the vestibule full of expensive flashing lights and screaming kids is a nice touch too. That noise you hear is the sound of corporations strangling parents for pound coins so their children can experience colossal disappointment as they yet again fail to win an iPod from the grabber machine. A place this size can’t be cheap to run though, so I won’t begrudge them that.

How about something to eat? I think I’ll avoid the overpriced pick ‘n’ mix that spotty teenagers have touched with their jizzy hands. A hotdog and a Coke sounds more nourishing. £8 is probably the going rate for a cup full of ice over which a dribble of flat cola is drizzled and a rubbery, lukewarm sausage served in an old sponge. I should have just sneaked my own sandwiches in.

Still, I’ve got my VIP seat to look forward to. Oh, it’s a leather armchair in the middle of the theatre. Does it recline? No. Does it have more legroom than the other seats? No. Is it in fact better or more comfy than any other seat in here? No. Wow, that’s quite a scam.

At least the film’s picture quality will be second to none. It might be if I wasn’t distracted by someone sending texts from in front of me, their phone lighting up like a beacon every 30 seconds. People crunching away on their boulder-like popcorn and machine gun crisps coupled with a group of teenage girls giggling and gossiping the entire time means the jury is out on the brilliance of the surround sound. It’s excellent to see that cinema staff make no attempt to stop any of this and just stand at the back watching the film. For free!

I’m pretty sure some films are made on smaller budgets than I’ve spent on this miserable experience. Is it any wonder people are streaming films at home illegally?