Resolutions

It’s time to start thinking about what major changes we all need to make to our lifestyles for the coming year. It’s also important that we remember to tell everyone we know that we’re doing this to maintain an air of superiority over them.

As a smoker who was a non-smoker for eighteen months, but who now smokes again, I’ll probably try and quit. Again. I can see it now, taking a frantic draw on my last ever cancer stick just before midnight. I’ll probably be back on them by the 5^th of January anyway, so it doesn’t really matter.

I’ve already got an e-cig for any emergency where inconsiderate health freaks won’t allow smoking, such as in cinemas or hospitals, but I don’t want to be known as a “vaper”. There are clubs for them now, you know. People sit and “vape” and have conversations about what liquid they use and why their lives are so empty. Think I’ll give it a miss.

Stopping drinking was something I used to regularly do every January, just to give my body a rest from the seasonal binge, even if just for a month or so. This was before some idiot coined the phrase “Dryathlon” and tried to encourage everyone to take part. Now people stay sober because it’s trendy, which is enough to drive you to drink.

Perhaps you’re going to give up meat. That’s just foolish. You know bacon is meat, right? Now imagine your life without bacon. Pretty awful, isn’t it?

People will join gyms and hand over an exorbitant fee to turn up once and then spend the rest of the year coming up with flimsy reasons for non-attendance. “I’m still getting over a slight cold I had eight weeks ago. I don’t want to push myself too hard.”

I don’t know if you were aware of this, but if you want to exercise, there are ways to do it which are free. Think about this if you’re one of the few who actually keeps going to the gym, but drives there despite it being less than a five minute walk from your house, you lazy bastard.

And those of you who half-heartedly claim you’re going to try and be a nicer person, despite never having been nice to anyone before: we all know you’re a gargantuan dickhead and that you shall remain a gargantuan dickhead.

If you want to stop doing something or start doing something, why wait until the New Year anyway? Just do whatever you want, but don’t quote me on that if you go off and kill someone.

Any resolutions will seem futile as you stand outside, teary-eyed and drunk, linking arms with strangers who are your new “best mates” and mumbling the words to that Scottish song that nobody knows properly.

And remember: it’s midnight upon Big Ben’s first BONG! By the twelfth we’re already at least 30 seconds into the New Year and you’ll probably have broken most of your resolutions by then anyway.