"Inbox Me"

My phone makes a familiar sound. I look at it. I’ve just received a new email. Who’s it from? Why it’s some prick telling me I could, possibly, just once, a long time ago have been mis-sold PPI. I doubt it.

Does your inbox fill up with this kind of meaningless shite?

Every once in a while I get an email that’s actually important and so I need to check at least 1500 times a day, just in case. Disappointment and anger every single time.

A few years ago there was only digital tumbleweed whenever I opened my Hotmail account, but that all changed. Every company I’ve ever bought anything from seems to think I’m interested in their latest crappy offers.

“You once bought a Megadeth CD, why not check out the new One Direction album?” Err, no thanks. I’d rather wipe my arse with a chainsaw.

“We saw you went to a Dropkick Murphys concert, so you’ll be thrilled to hear that an unknown ABBA tribute band are playing next week at a venue just 500 miles from where you live!” Yes, and I’ll take a gun.

“You bought some trainers from us 8 years ago, check out our crazy prices on knitted Easter-themed mittens!” No. No. No.

It doesn’t just end with retailers though:

“You applied for a job as a sales assistant. We are now looking for experienced astrophysicists and Richard Madeley impersonators in your area.” I’ll send you my CV straight away, dickface.

Spam, ironically never for actual Spam, fills my junk folder. I, like many, regularly check the junk folder on the off chance that anything of significance has accidentally ended up there. It rarely has.

There are a whole load of scams where people who can’t spell claim that PayPal or some bank you aren’t even a customer of need your details. Good luck cheating me out of the nothing that’s in my bank account.

There are unbelievably cheap deals on various forms of medication, including “Vaigra” (if you’re going to con someone, at least spell the bloody product name correctly). I’ve got a headache, why aren’t they offering “Parrotetamol”?

I’m sure every casino in the world has sent me an email at some point, promising ludicrous deposit bonuses and free games. So if I win any money I only have to stake it a further 9000 times before I can withdraw it? Sign me up!

So advertising, spam and junk emails are all annoying. Surely the most annoying aspect of the whole thing? Nope. Anyone who has worked in an office will tell you there’s something infinitely more annoying.

What is it?

It’s that person in the workplace who sends you an email every five minutes of every day, usually a link to a cat video on YouTube or the latest Daily Mail diatribe about how immigrant lesbians are destroying the NHS.

Someone at a company I used to work for used to send links to his shitty, homemade techno/house/garage songs and even once wrote a lengthy piece about how he was feeling down because his granddad had died recently. Very sad, but I can’t stress enough: I did not know this fucker at all. I never spoke to him. And his “music” was the audio equivalent of being sucked into a jet engine.

Still, at least members of my own family won’t send pointless emails to me, will they? Yes, they will. And it will probably be some unfunny – possibly racist or sexist – jokes that have previously been forwarded by a hundred other people. You’ll know this because you’ll have to scroll down about half a mile before you get to any content worth reading. I say “worth reading”, but I mean “giving you good reason to sever all ties with said family member”.

Anyway, I’ve got to go. Apparently a wealthy Nigerian needs my help to flee his country.