Play Away

Every now and then it's nice to experience a little bit of culture.

On Saturday evening I went with Mrs Ranting Man to the theatre. Regular readers of this blog will be aware of previous trips to the theatre that were spoiled by other people who decided to visit the theatre and make my experience a living hell, but this time we were clever. We went to a different theatre, a small, independent, volunteer-run one.

I was concerned there would be nothing to rant about as we turned up and parking was free. Unprecedented.

We ventured inside for a drink.

The bar was well-stocked, there weren't many people in and drinks were reasonably priced. A win.

And then we went to take our seats. This is where it all started to go downhill.

The seats could only be described as 'snug' and there was incredibly restricted arm room. It was like they'd made the seats three quarter size to save money. I was wedged in and the bloke in front of me who looked like the guy who wrote Game of Thrones was probably going to have to be cut out by the fire brigade after the performance. To add to this it was fairly hot in there. And by fairly hot I mean it was Icarus wing-burningly hot. Sweat was pouring out of every orifice of every person and I envied those with the foresight to take a drink in with them.

And then the performance began. It was called Stand Up, Stand Up. It involved a stand up comedian and a bailiff.

“That sounds like the start of a good joke,” the stand up comedian said.

Unfortunately it wasn't. It was unfunny and poorly-written.

The whole thing, not just that joke. In fact that joke was never completed, but those that were told (there were many, perhaps too many) had all the humour of a doctor telling you you have a month left to live. Despite this some people sitting behind us who clearly don't get out much howled their way through the whole damned thing. The story was dull and predictable – the bailiff wanted to be a comedian and the comedian needed help with his confidence and they agreed to help each other, oh how would it turn out?

I've no idea how it turned out because after the opening 45 minutes, which felt like two hours, we fucked off.

That's right we got up, walked out of the theatre, jumped in the car and drove as fast as we could to put as much distance between ourselves and that horrendous play as possible.

I'd like to point out it was an actual intermission and we didn't just stand up in the middle of the thing and walk out. Although I wish we had.

I'm not saying this episode has put me off going to the theatre, but it will certainly stop me blindly buying tickets to something I think “looks good”. It's made me question my judgement too.

Seriously, the play was so bad that ISIS have since claimed that they wrote it.