Olden Wonder

Crisps.

They used to be so much better back in the day. Back then you could climb a really high tower block to deliver newspapers after just one canny bag of Tudor and Monster Munch were at least a foot in diameter.

Space Raiders were 5p for a sackful and there were hedgehog-flavoured crisps that didn't even taste of hedgehogs – they said this, but who ate a hedgehog to check if it were true? Err, not me, honest.

You got little sachets of salt in some bags and beef and mustard was the most exotic flavour of crisp that you'd find in a pub.

What a time to be alive.

Now it's at least two quid a bag for all manner of artisan shite that fills the shelves. How is any mass-produced crisp artisan in any way? We're all being conned. The other week I had a bag of chorizo and summat else poncey from “the makers of Walkers”. Aren't Walkers the makers of Walkers? There was also a serving suggestion on the back of the bag. “Best served with a glass of Tempranillo and good friends,” it advised. THEY'RE ONLY FUCKING CRISPS, NOT SOME KIND OF GOURMET, HAUTE CUISINE OFFERING YOU PATRONISING BASTARDS. And they just tasted like smoky bacon anyway.

So I contemplated a stroll down crisps memory lane while in Tesco earlier. I ended up looking at two multipacks that technically aren't actually crisps, Nik Naks and Wheat Crunchies.

In the red corner, Nik Naks with three flavours: Scampi and Lemon (all lemon, no scampi; a total misnomer), Nice 'n' Spicy (neither nice nor spicy; a total misnomer) and Rib 'n' Saucy (taste like curry powder; a total misnomer).

And in the blue corner, Wheat Crunchies with just the one flavour. One solitary flavour. Bacon. Now bacon trumps everything else usually, but the reality here is they don't taste of bacon, but calling them The Fucking Saltiest Crisps Ever Made would probably see a slight dip in sales. What happened to the other flavours that were around during the days of hiding bags in the inside pocket of your ski jacket as unofficial payment for working in the school tuck shop? There was a great Worcestertershershire sauce flavour variety in those days and there was the most continental flavour known to man, Garlic Sausage. These tasted unlike any kind of garlic sausage you'd ever find, but who knew that in 1991? We had no knowledge of foreign cuisine and French bread pizzas were considered exotic back then, for Christ's sake.

Nik Naks edged the bout on points by virtue of having the most flavours, but in all honesty it was like deciding which hand you'd like someone to smash up with a hammer.

Doubtlessly there are people who will try and blame the decline in British crisp quality on faceless Eurocrats, but the truth is they've been going downhill for years and now the future of snacks is left hanging in the balance.

What crisp legacy is being left for the next generation? Pringles? Don't make me fucking laugh.