Highway to Hell

Now that I can drive, a whole new world of things that piss me off has opened up. I bet that when that bloke made the first car and had someone walking along in front of it waving a red flag, he never thought it would end up like this. Or maybe it was all part of his nefarious plan.

What pisses me off the most? Here is my top 5.

5: Cost

As a pretend Yorkshireman, I appreciate frugality. Now that petrol costs have spiralled to £15/gallon (depending on when you read this) it means that many vehicles contain fuel that’s worth more than the actual vehicle itself. And yet still people will drive twenty yards to the shop to avoid walking. I don’t actually do this. Yet.

4: Speed limits

I’m driving past a school and the speed limit is 20mph. That’s fine, except that it’s 3am and the chances of a small brat racing out into the road like a Green Cross Code amnesiac are somewhere between none and less-than-none. Why can’t I drive at 150mph when there’s no risk to children’s safety? Fucking nanny state bastards.

3: Parking

Finding a free parking space is something I like to try and do when I’m not taking my pet rocking house outside for a shit. Both are equally fruitless. If you’re ever lucky enough to find somewhere to park that doesn’t cost anything, you might as well just leave your car there forever, because you’ll never be so lucky again. Buying a new car is actually cheaper than 4 hours’ parking in York anyway.

2: Roads

Yes, road tax is splendid. Someone somewhere is diving naked into a big pool of cash, Uncle Scrooge-style while the rest of us attempt to navigate potholes, sinkholes and yawning chasms that have opened up on practically every road in this country.

1: Other motorists

This is absolutely every single one of them. The person who pulls out of a junction at the last second and forces me to brake and the person who doesn’t signal properly at roundabouts, or ever, can both be a bit annoying. The person who drives up your arse through every village but drops back as soon as you speed up on the open road is even more annoying. The person who bullies their way through a gap, even though the obstruction is on their side of the road is more annoying still. But the most annoying motorist? It’s the same as it ever was for me: the person with their windows down, wearing shades and listening to ear-bleedingly-loud bmmm-tshh, bmmm-tshh techno-type music. These cunts should all be lined up and shot.

I’m sure there are other annoying things that I haven’t picked up on yet. Don’t worry, the list will be updated as I discover them.

I just wish the bastard sitting behind me would stop blowing his horn while I type this.