Television

I don’t have a TV. There’s never really anything worth watching anyway and I can watch the few things that appeal to me online without the need to line the pockets of the paedophile-enablers at the BBC.

I know a lot of you watch TV and probably hate it as much as I do, but you’re sucked into it by the visual mind-heroin.

Every week my Twitter feed fills up with comments about The Apprentice, X Factor and Strictly when they’re on. None of you seem to actually like these programmes. I can understand that.

Why does nobody comment on the lesser watched shows though?

I’ve yet to see tweets like “Wicked fields! #countryfile” or “The choir totally killed that song. #songsofpraise”.

You watch things because everyone else watches them and fear you’ll have nothing to talk about at work the next day.

Soon it will be time for I Want To Be A Celebrity, Get Me In There. There will be timeline-clogging nonsense about Him From Hollyoaks eating dingo anus and Token American Celebrity having a meltdown over the lack of couscous. Ant and Dec (which one’s which?) will why-aye their way through hilarious “banter” and I will know all about it because YOU will tell me.

You can keep your perma-tanned mongoloids of various Insert-name-here Shore programmes and fly-on-the-wall documentaries about bus companies, schools or perverts who run around in woods shagging strangers. I don’t want to watch a programme that shows other people’s reactions as they watch all this crap either.

Stupidity is at an all-time high as millions of people look to become famous by making cocks of themselves in front of a camera.

Imagine being famous for saying “East Angular” and taking off your clothes in a houseful of strangers. Imagine millions seeing you do something sexual to yourself with a wine bottle. Horrible thought, isn’t it? And these village idiots have somehow achieved fame and fortune through their actions.

Remember that even if you live for another thousand years, you’ll never know how the soaps end either. People love to complain about future plots being ruined for them after reading articles in newspapers and magazines with headlines like “WARNING! SPOILERS!” Publications could save themselves the effort by regularly stating “The soaps: still pointless, depressing and soul-destroying”.

Try turning off your TV and doing something less boring instead.