Black Friday

In the US, they traditionally follow a day of eating turkey and being thankful for land they stole from the natives by going shopping. Why not? I know I always feel like abusing my credit cards right after I force indigenous people out of their homes.

Obviously the let’s-go-mental-down-the-shops attitude quickly caught on in other parts of the world too. Why should the Americans have all the fun? We want to have retail pandemonium too.

But what is the point? Oh yes, shops can put up huge “LOOK AT THIS SHIT YOU DON’T NEED THAT WE’VE REDUCED BY 0.01% FOR TODAY ONLY” banners and whip shoppers into a frenzy with the promise of “deals” and “savings”. Little are people aware that you can actually save 100% on everything by not buying it.

Hordes of people waited outside little-respected retail establishments and created human tsunamis as they were let amongst the fantastic crap that was slightly cheaper than yesterday.

“Wow! A flat screen TV!” some behoodied twat no doubt screeched, before punching a grandmother in the throat as she dared to hint that she might want it.

“Those shoes are only £159.99! They used to cost £160.05!” some delighted foot fetishist probably declared before using their arms like windmills to ward off any other wannabe buyers as they made a beeline for a product that probably only cost 20p to produce in an Asian sweatshop.

“I just need to buy something! Anything!” was possibly said by millions of others who just wanted to feel like they were a part of the whole stupidity.

If any of you had the misfortune to pop into Tesco for a pint of milk, you were probably held up while a brawl over a games console had to be broken up with teargas grenades. You may even have witnessed a fist-fight over knocked-down avocadoes while in Waitrose. Or you might have noticed business-as-usual in Aldi.

When did pushing people aside and trampling over them to get to a bargain become acceptable? When did we start threatening people and hurling abuse at them because they had the front to pick the last item off a shelf when we wanted it for ourselves? Never, that’s when.

The scenes that are shown of this non-event every year look like the riots from a few years back. The difference this time is that people at least had the decency to pay for the items.

There are a lot of awful things about living in this country, but nothing has ever made me feel less proud to be British. Except Ricky Gervais.